Almost everyone writes the same message, and almost everyone knows it is inadequate while they are writing it. That feeling is not a sign you are bad at this. It is accurate — there is no message that helps, and looking for one is what makes people freeze and then send nothing.
Sending something ordinary beats sending nothing, by a very large margin. That is the whole of it, and the rest of this page is how to make the ordinary thing slightly better.
The three ways messages fail
| The failure | What it sounds like | Why it lands badly |
|---|---|---|
| Minimising | At least it was quick. He had a long life. | Every sentence beginning “at least” argues the loss is smaller than it is |
| Explaining | Everything happens for a reason. | Offers meaning nobody asked for, often against their beliefs |
| Outsourcing the work | Let me know if you need anything. | Moves the asking onto the person with nothing left |
The third is the one written with the best intentions and it is worth naming clearly. A grieving person will not call you. Replace the offer with a decision: I am bringing food on Thursday, tell me if that is a bad day.
What to actually write in the first week
Short, specific, and no request for a reply.
I am so sorry. I keep thinking about the way she answered the phone — like she had been waiting for you to call.
I do not have the words. I am here, and I will call you on Sunday rather than making you call me.
I did not know your father, but I know what he was to you. I am thinking about you.
Three things make these work. They name something concrete. They ask for nothing. And they do not pretend to understand a loss the writer has not had.
Use the person’s name, and use the past tense without flinching from it. People write around the name and around the death, and the effect is a message that could be about anything. Your mother is warmer than your loss.
What to write when you did not know them
Say so. It is not a disqualification and pretending otherwise is transparent.
Write about the person who is left instead: what you have seen of the relationship, what they have said about the person over the years. You talked about her every time we met is a real observation and it tells a grieving person that their parent existed to somebody else too.
The message almost nobody sends
For a fortnight the phone does not stop. Then the rites finish, the relatives leave, the messages stop within about two days, and the person is alone with it — usually right at the point the reality arrives.
Write the second message. A month in, on a birthday, on the first anniversary. It costs one sentence and it lands in silence rather than in a crowd.
Thinking about you today. No need to reply.
That is enough. The value is not the content; it is the evidence that somebody is still counting.
Writing it into something printed
Different job from a message, and it has its own rules — tense, length, whether to mark the death at all. Writing about someone who has died
⚠️ Do not turn a condolence message into an offer to make something. A message that arrives in the first week and ends with a suggestion about a memorial book reads as a proposal, whatever was intended. If a family wants that, they raise it themselves, usually months later. What is appropriate during mourning
A card is not a text, and the difference is length
A message on a phone is read in a stream and answered by nobody. A physical condolence card is read once, often weeks later when the family goes through them, and sometimes kept.
That changes two things. Write the person’s name and your own in full, because the card may be read by relatives who do not know you. And write three or four sentences rather than one — a single line that works perfectly as a text looks abrupt in ink on a card somebody has kept.
It is also the one place a slightly formal register is correct. Please accept my deepest condolences is a cliché in a message and entirely appropriate on a card, because a card is partly a formal act.
Writing to a colleague rather than a friend
Shorter, and the register is different. Two lines, no attempt at intimacy you do not have, and one concrete practical thing about work — that a deadline is covered, that nobody expects anything from them, that their absence is handled. For a colleague, removing an obligation is the kindest content a message can carry.
What not to worry about
Saying the wrong thing. People who are grieving remember who reached out far more clearly than what was in it. A clumsy message from someone who cared is not filed as a mistake.
Being late. A message six weeks afterwards is not late. It is the one that arrives when the others have stopped.
Repeating what others said. They are not comparing. Two hundred people writing I am so sorry is two hundred people, not one sentence.
Frequently asked
What should I write to someone who has lost a parent? Something short and specific about the person, using their name and the past tense. Ask for nothing, and do not offer to help in the abstract — offer one concrete thing.
What should I never write in a condolence message? Anything beginning “at least”, anything explaining why it happened, and “let me know if you need anything”.
Is it too late to say something weeks afterwards? No, and it is often better. The messages stop after about a fortnight and that is when the silence starts.
What do I write if I did not know the person who died? Say that plainly and write about the person who is grieving instead — what they have told you about them over the years.
Should I mention the death directly or write around it? Directly. Writing around it produces a message that could be about anything, and the person reading it can tell.
Part of our guide to writing captions. See also: writing about someone who has died · photographs of someone who has died.
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